you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
