There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
