if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
