I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
