the condom got lost in my hair
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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