he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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