How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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