I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
