This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
