I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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