My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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