if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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