so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
