the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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