True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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