dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
