You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
