Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
