why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
