Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
