What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
