I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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