u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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