Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
