I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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