i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
