I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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