Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
