My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My life is pants optional.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
