He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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