Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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