dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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