I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
