It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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