so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone shattered a urinal.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
