I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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