Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
