fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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