The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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