Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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