does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you win again, gameday.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
