I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
