I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
