I wish my penis had an off switch
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
