I wish my penis had an off switch
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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