I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
