My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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