I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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