yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
