beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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